The Cook-out
by Terreri
Summary: The one and only ANAKIN COOK. Dedicated to ANAKIN COOK.
1. Exposition

**A/N**: I hope you both LOVE it!

Anakin Cook was withering in his cavern, watching his favorite anime, 拍打我美丽棕色直肠. Unexpectedly, he started crying when he remembered that he's still Anakin Cook and is unpopular and has no friends. Thankfully, his hideous father installed a flushing system in his room. His father knows that Anakin Cook often cries about his miserable life, so he had to put a drain in the floor to make sure Cook doesn't drown himself whenever he remembers that he still exists. At first, Anakin's father secretly clogged the drain hoping that Anakin would drown in his tears, but the bugs that live in Anakin's eyes unclogged the drain, allowing his tears to flow out of the room before they could cause harm to Cooky-boy. While reaching for the flusher, his thicc mother called him on the string-connected tin cans in his room. Anakin Cook quickly flushed away the tears and answered his tin can.

"What do you want, mom?" Anakin Cook wept.

"Have you been crying again, Disgrace #1?" His mother started dying of laughter. "What a pathetic boi!"

"Stop laughing mom, I don't laugh at you whenever you slip on the shit in the bathroom floor and break your teeth on the toilet bowl!"

"First of all, you do laugh. Second of all, I haven't done that in 4 days! You're having a bowl of sauce tonight as punishment, and an extra 5 spanks on Sunday!" His mom countered.

"But _mooom_, I already have 14 spankings on Sunday!" Anakin Cook wept more.

"Hush up, Disgrace #1! There's a package for you at the cavern door. You'll need to mail it to the return address and tell them they have the wrong house."

"What if they actually _do_ wanna talk to me?"

Suddenly, his mom started laughing so loudly the tin can exploded in Cook's face. He wiped the metal off his cheek and tumbled down the stairs like a sack of potatoes. His mother was still laughing when he walked by her in the kitchen while heading to the cavern entrance. He swung open the door and swooped the package into his arms. _I will protect this with my life!_ Cook thought. When he turned around, he tripped over a rat and launched the package across the room. It landed and the sound of glass breaking could be heard all over the house. Cook's mother, who had been watching the entire event unfold, fainted from laughing too hard. Cook cried and rolled over to his thicc mother and ripped a tooth out of her mouth to open his package with. When he opened the package, he discovered that there were 10 sheets of glass in it, which were now shattered. He turned the package upside down and shook all the glass onto the floor, and at the very bottom of the glass, there was an envelope. It was addressed to Anakin Cook-sepi. Without hesitating, he opened the envelope and took the letter within to his room. He excitedly read the letter aloud to his anime body pillow:

_Anakin Cook-sepi,_

_I supremely enjoy sneaking into your room at night as you slumber each day for the last 10 months to watch the sun rise with my industrial sized bowl of dip, my love. I admire you and my love for thee burns with the intensity of one thousand buckets of water. You can cook my buns anytime, sweetheart. It would make me the happiest reptile in the world if you were to be the paper to my toilet, or even the 弩射击模 __to my 射里__._

_Please, allow me to lay my fecal matter brown eyes upon your face in person, and you be aware of it this time? Meet me in the back alleyway where all the seniors sell drugs, tomorrow at 8:00pm for some Crunchyroll and chill ;)_

_Your eternal love,_

_Amy from Geometry Class._

Cook was shocked to see another, human being showing care for him. He didn't recall having an Amy in his Geometry class, but he didn't seem to notice. He nearly couldn't wait to meet this mystery letter sender in person.


	2. Crisis Mode

Anakin Cook ran to his withering utensil to make sure everything was perfect for his date in the drug alleyway tomorrow. While ordering perfume and lipstick off of Amazon, he got an email notification from Crunchyroll. It was a reminder that his premium membership would expire 10 minutes before his date with Amy from Geometry Class the next day. Upon reading the email, the Cook-man almost fainted. _I need to renew my premium Crunchyroll membership before my date! _He quickly ran into the garage to confront his hideous father. He needed to steal his father's credit card to renew the membership so that he can impress his date. When he opened the garage door, he was hit in the face with a great brown hiney cloud. The air was thiccer than his mother, so it was hard to breathe. Anakin grabbed his flashlight in an attempt to see through the fumes in the garage. A couple of seconds in, his father smacked him upside the head.

"What do you think you're doing? I'm trying to set a world record here and you're smothering my chances, boy!" His father yelled. "I'm trying to make this record book representative faint with my gas. You know I take setting the _Least Amount of Time to Render Someone Unconscious by Farting _record very seriously! That's another 10 spanks on Sunday!"

"But mom just gave me another 5! My ass will be cherry red for _days_! This isn't fair!" Anakin Cook cried and left the garage. _I need to find another way to repay the subscription..._

He stepped on his thicc mother while walking through the kitchen, which sent ripples of flab all throughout the woman's body. It gave him an idea on a way to make quick money. He ran back to his withering device to search on Craigslist. Within seconds, he found a severely overweight man who wanted to be spanked. He was willing to pay $6.94, which was one penny short of the price needed to repay the subscription. Anakin Cook got back to the man with high resolution images of his hands, which the overweight man requested.

**Cookman3000**: how long do u want spanking for to get the $$$?

**SpankMePlease1969**: I'll pay you after 30 solid minutes.

**Cookman3000**: thank you ur a lifesaver!

The man told him to meet him on the banks of the Delaware river at 9pm that night. Anakin Cook spent the rest of the day walking to the location they agreed to meet at. The man eventually pulled up in a windowless white van. Upon spotting Cook, he said, "climb into the van, kid" with a seductive wink.

"Don't mind if I do!" Cooky-boy said as he boarded the van. "How do you want to be spanked, daddy?"

"Spank me harder than you've ever spanked anything in your entire life."

"Okay! I brought my color wheel that I stole from my orthodontist, do you want your ass to be red, or pink, or orange? I promise I won't stop spanking until it reaches precisely the color on the wheel."

"Make it the reddest red there is."

Anakin Cook agreed and started spanking away. The man howled and yelped as his booty tinted red. Anakin Cook alternated between using his hand and using he special glove. The man pleaded for the ointment he brought to be applied, but Cook wouldn't apply it for him. He held the color wheel next to the man's plump cheeks. The man started crying in pain.

"Lord, have mercy!" He wailed.

Eventually, the man's ass turned the desired color. The man paid Cook for the deed and left the scene, applying the ointment as he drove. On the way back, Cook happened to be strolling through a town with a wishing fountain. Without hesitating, Cook pushed the child about to throw a penny into the water, and stole the coin. _I now have exactly enough! _Unfortunately, the mother of the child was upset.

"How repulsive!" She croaked. She started hitting Cook with her purse as Cook made a quick getaway. When Cook returned home, he repaid the subscription and kissed the letter from his secret admirer goodnight.

"Until tomorrow, snookems."


	3. Preparation

Anakin Cook woke up to his 动漫闹钟响 alarm clock, and began his routine of intensely crying. However, this time, he remembered about his date and his crying ceased. He turned his alarm clock off and got out of bed. He did a quick Irish jig before opening his bedroom door, only to be hit in the ugly face with another great brown hiney cloud, only this one was much, much greater than the previous great brown hiney cloud. He could hear his father ripping ass downstairs, as it rumbled with the power of one thousand thunderstorms. He put his gas mask on and headed into the contamination zone; otherwise known as whatever room his father decided to rip ass in.

"This is gnarly, dad!"

"Hush, Disgrace #1!"

Looking around the room with his flashlight, Cook noticed the same world record book representative from the day before. The representative had definitely fainted, with his stopwatch displaying the time, 2 minutes and 10 seconds. Cook recognized the time as the new world record, because his dad had been trying to break the record for 19 years. Cook walked past the contamination zone and into the kitchen. His thicc mother wasn't there anymore, but instead on the porch squishing ants and then eating them. Cook confronted his mother on the porch.

"Are you gonna fix my tin can?"

"Once I get my paycheck from the strip club."

"Thanks ma!"

Cook went back inside to scavenge for food. After 10 minutes, he decided that the asbestos growing in the fridge was edible, so he scarfed down a big bowl of it. He was still very excited about his date with Amy from Geometry Class. At that exact moment, the doorbell rang. From the kitchen, the mailman's screams of terror upon sniffing the air could be heard. He dropped the box at the door, ran 10 feet, and fainted on the front lawn. Cook ran to the front door, happily taking the package indoors and into his room, where he removed his gas mask. The flatulence, now no longer contained to the house, flooded into the air and polluted the entire street. A low flying helicopter crashed on his street after they could no longer see out their windows.

"Hmm, I wonder what that loud crashing noise was. Oh well." Cook said as he tore open his package. "Lit, my perfume is here!" On the spot, he unscrewed the cap and dumped the liquid into his hair. Although he was certain he looked and smelled perfect for his date in the drug alleyway, he fled into the bathroom to look in the rusted mirror. His teeth were nearly rotted away and yellow and his hair looked like a rat's nest. Rather, it _was_ a rat's nest. A rat jumped out of Cook's hair and into the turdlet, which Cooky-boy gave a quick flush. His eyes were also fecal matter brown, which he hoped would leave a good impression on his date._ We have so much in common, especially with eye color. _His shirt was ripped in 3 places and his nose looked like someone punched it, which happens quite often. His hands still reeked of ass from the previous night's spanking, but he opted not to wash them.

"DISGRACE #1!" His mother called up the stairs.

"What do you _want_, mother?"

"I accidentally sat on a cockroach without my pants on, would you mind digging it out of my bippy cheeks?"

"Don't mind if I do!" Cook ran down the stairs to do the deed, but was stopped when he was walking past the open door. He noticed the mailman who had fainted earlier was carrying another letter, one with a big heart sticker holding it closed. He ran out to take the letter from the mailman. It was again addressed to Anakin Cook-sepi. He ran back into his room to read the letter aloud to his anime body pillow again.

_Anakin Cook-sepi,_

_I watched you through your window again last night, and I simply cannot wait for our date tonight! I can finally show you my album of Polaroids I take while stalking you. I will be wearing my finest dress and bring my finest tablet for some Crunchyroll and chill. Emphasis on the chill ;)_

_Your love,_

_Amy from Geometry Class_

Anakin Cook cherished the letter and replayed it in his mind for hours. He put a herd on his lunch before leaving the house on his bike. He wanted to show up to his date early to impress the woman of his dreams. He parked his pink bike with streamers on the handlebars that was covered in anime stickers in the drug alleyway. The Cook-man sat in the alley for 4 hours like a bump on a log awaiting the moment his future wife would come out of the shadows. At precisely 8:00pm, Anakin Cook heard a voice from behind him.

"Anakin Cook-sepi?"


	4. A Night of Passion

The figure that stood before Anakin Cook was about 5 feet tall. He couldn't immediately tell that the figure was female until it stepped into the light. Her teeth were the yellowest yellow he had ever seen. She had cavities in every tooth and the biggest overbite he had ever seen. Her eyes were indeed fecal matter brown, which he identified because it was the color of his own feces. Her nose was shaped like a squash and was colored like one, too. Her breath was so foul it burned all his nose hairs in an instant. She didn't have as many eyelashes as the typical person, and her eyebrows weren't symmetrical. Her hair also looked like a rat's nest. It wasn't combed and was the color of fecal matter that had been left out in the sun too long. As promised in her letter, she was wearing her finest dress; an orange one with a giant Crunchyroll logo on it that complimented Cook's _Doctor Who_ shirt beautifully. It didn't even matter to Cooky-boy that the dress was covered in bird poop. Her stink lines were almost visible above her head and her overall stench made his eyes water. She looked like a Neanderthal.

In other words, she was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen.

"Pardon me, I'm expecting Amy from Geometry Class, not an _angel_." Cook cooed.

_"Well then!"_ The angel standing behind Amy, offended by what Cook had said, ascended back to Heaven while sobbing.

"Anakin Cook-sepi, we finally meet." Her voice sounded like one thousand tortured souls being released from the Underworld.

"You're even more beautiful than I ever could have imagined."

"I brought my tablet for our Crunchyroll." Cook gazed down at the tablet the being was holding. It was covered in glitter and had 10 screen protectors on it, which made it quite hard to see what was happening. "Crunchyroll pays me to wear this dress. As a matter of fact, they're sponsoring our first date!"

Suddenly, the tablet Amy was holding began recording out of the front facing camera, documenting the event. Cook was both excited and surprised._ I wish I looked better for the world.. this will be the most watched event in human history, I should have dressed better!_

"What's the orange line coming out of your tablet?"

"It's the extension cord. It runs from here all the way to my crappy shack, over 10 miles away!" With those words, Amy powered on the tablet and logged onto Crunchyroll. Cook noticed that she was using his account.

"I got your password while rummaging through your room when you were at the _Doctor Who_ convention last December. It was just lying on a post-it note on your anime body pillow, how silly!"

Amy chose a random anime, called 为上帝的爱已经结. As it played through its obnoxious theme song, Amy brought out a Bluetooth speaker and began playing _Strip That Down_. When the chorus came, she stripped her Crunchyroll dress off and stood ass naked in the drug alleyway, live on the stream. Anakin Cook also tore off his clothing and tossed it onto the ground. The Cookman climbed on top of Amy and started porking. Amy loudly moaned and begged for mercy. Streamers and onlookers dubbed the event the Big Bang. A second story apartment began dumping their trash out of the window that overlooked the alleyway, flinging trash onto Anakin Cook and Amy during their porking session. After about 45 minutes of porking, the angel that ran off earlier descended from Heaven to face Cooky-boy and Amy.

"Anakin Cook, I have just confronted God about thou. I showed him a selfie you recently uploaded to FarmersOnly and he was so morally offended he asked me to deliver this message: _'Thy face is so repelling, I have asked Noah to prepare another arc, because the tears that uncontrollably flow from my eyes upon seeing thy face is enough to drown all of Israel and the rest of the promised lands!'"_

Cook began crying in front of all the streamers, Amy, and the angel.

"He also added an eleventh commandment, which reads: _Thou shalt not be Anakin Cook_." The angel flew away after that statement, leaving Cook to his crying. The porking ceased immediately, and Amy brainstormed ways to cheer Cook up. Of course, this took some time because Amy doesn't have much brainpower to spare. After a solid 10 minutes, she came up with the perfect solution.

"You could try spanking me!" Cook stopped crying upon hearing those words.

"I just got experience yesterday, too!"

"Perfect!" Amy whipped her unattractive body around and revealed her rosy red cheeks for the spanking. Cook didn't hesitate to play her booty cheeks like an African snare drum. He beat down on Amy's hind quarters so roughly that it began to lightly bleed. Soon, her ass turned the reddest red. A red so red, in fact, that scientists quickly flooded into the alley to take an image of her rectum to publish to scientific journals and databases. The word red was formally redefined to_ the color of Amy Baby's glutes maximus during the Big Bang_. Cook was so happy for her accomplishment. Amy finally sat up and, as she was about to pull her ratty dress back over herself, she ripped ass. Cook sprung over to sniff the air.

"That's the most amazing aura my nose has ever registered. Please, I beg you, provide more for me?"

"Your wish is my command!" With that, Amy started breaking wind. Her butt bombs were so powerful that the ground shook. Inside a nearby apartment, the pair could hear an emergency newsflash.

_"A 7.6 magnitude earthquake was just recorded. Details will be provided as they come to us."_

Cook gave Amy a firm high-five for her accomplishment. Cook hideous father had been trying for years to break the _Highest Magnitude on the Richter Scale by Farting_ record, and Amy breaks it within 5 minutes. While Cook inhaled deeply to fill his lungs with her beautiful scent, Amy put her scrappy dress back on. The heat provided from the methane in natural gas baked the corn she had in her back pocket. Cook, mistaking the sound of the corn popping for a wave of miniature farts, swiftly ran over to sniff her dress. Instead of smelling her gas, he smelt the corn. The corn fell out of her dress and onto the dirty gravel on the ground.

"Don't mind if I do!" Cook said as he munched down on the corn.

"Wait, we forgot the butter!" Amy said. An idea came to her, and she peed on the corn to give it a yellow hue. "This will be our substitute for butter." Cook nodded and put a herd on the corn.

"Tonight has been.. _perfect_." Amy commented, watching the anime.

"Let's do it again sometime."

"Nothing would make me happier, Anakin Cook-sepi."

"Are we a couple now, Amy baby?"

"Of course we are, snookems."

With that, Anakin Cook excitedly marked his relationship status on White People Meet as _in a relationship_, and Amy excitedly marked her relationship status on Christian Mingle as _in a relationship_. Amy unplugged her tablet and packed up, ready to leave. Before they parted, the couple shared a passionate kiss.

"I love the taste of your chapped lips."

"I love the taste of yours too."

"Until we meet again, my love."

"I hope that it's soon."

"Me too, Cook-sepi."

_"Dry sorrow drinks our blood. Adieu, adieu."_


	5. An Ordinary Day

Anakin Cook pulled a small tin key out of his big nose, and placed it gingerly on the ground, making sure to know where it is. Cook then pulled a pink glittery diary out of his booty and set it on the ground. Cook had been in the family dungeon for the past 4 hours, and he just remembered about his diary now. Cook's diary was covered in stickers, glitter, and shiny lettering that read _Cook's Super Secret Diary_. Cook _thinks_ his diary is a secret and nobody knew about it, but in reality, his entire family had read it several times, and even sent it to a professional publisher. The publishers turned it down, though, because it had Anakin Cook's name on it. Cooky-boy used the small tin key to unlock the diary, and wrote a new entry in crayon on the next available page.

_Dear Diary,  
Yesterday I had the most wonderful time with Amy from Geometry Class, my new girlfriend! I've never had a girlfriend before. Actually, a girl has never even looked at me before, unless my mom counts. My mom is my only friend. She's supposed to come into the dungeon any minute to give me my 19 spankings, because it's Sunday and I've been a baaaaad boi! On the bright side, I got 2 entire texts yesterday. That's my monthly record, even if one was a wrong number and the other was my internet service provider. Back to my date, she's the most wonderful crustacean I've ever laid my ocular organs on! She even broke the world record for Highest Magnitude on the Richter Scale by Farting record after 5 minutes! Sadly, my father heard about it on the news following the earthquake newsflash and was so angry he put me in the dungeon. Her name is Amy and she's my dream woman!  
L3ve, the COOKMAN!_

Cook closed his diary and shoved it back into his ass, and shoved the key back into his nose. He ate the crayon whole, just as his mother came down the stairs and into the dungeon. She was wearing all leather, which was her fetish, and was sporting a fancy new spanking glove. Cook, who was an expert on spanking gloves, recognized it as(s) the _Michael Jackson's White Limited Edition Golden Glove_, which Cook had never seen in person.

"Turn around and reveal your bottom, Disgrace #1."

Cook did so, and his mom started spanking him. She spanked him 24 times exactly. When she was finished, she whispered, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease, Cook." With that, Anakin Cook's thicc mother exited the dungeon, leaving the door open. Cook wiggled out of his chains and ran out of the dungeon, and into his room. Locking the door behind him, he asked his anime body pillow to sing him a lullaby as he hugged both letters from Amy.

* * *

Cook's 扯开我的生物 alarm clock awoke him once again. He hopped into his mobile withering arena, or Witherena™©®. He had charged his mobile Witherena overnight, so that it could fuel another trip to school. He could easily take the bus to school, but for some reason Cook chose to walk every day. Cook grabbed his favorite headphones so that he could catch up on some tunes and Crunchyroll while going to school. Cooky-boy arrived at school after 15 minutes and walked through the cafeteria for no good reason, right down the middle. While skipping to his first period class while loudly singing _Skip to the Loo_, he was shoved into a locker. This happened for all his classes in the beginning of the day. During lunch, he sat alone in the corner watching anime, as he was too poor to bring or buy a lunch. Towards the end of lunch, someone jumped on a table and yelled, _"Everyone, throw all the food you have left at Anakin Cook, who's sitting in the corner over there!"_ The student pointed at Cook, and now everyone in the cafeteria was looking at the Cookman. All the bakers left the kitchen and yelled, _"Cooks VS. Cook!"_

Cooky-boy shielded his face with his jacket as an army of food flew in his direction. Within seconds, Cook was hidden under a mountain of food. His withering utensil had a bunch of food on it and could no longer transmit clear images of his wonderful anime. The bakers high-fived and began the chant of, _"Cooks beat the Cook!" _The cafeteria celebrated as the chefs wheeled out a big cake, that said _Cook LOSES! _in pink frosting. The yearbook committee flooded into the room and started photographing Anakin Cook, who was crying in defeat while covered in the food of 700 children. The counselor and principal of the school then walked in, both horrified and infuriated by seeing what had happened in the room.

_"What on Earth occurred in this room?"_

"We were just throwing our food at Anakin Cook!" One of the kids said. The principal and counselor's mood changed immediately.

"Oh, why didn't you say so?" The counselor chucked his apple at Cook, nailing him in the eye. The principal followed it up with an entire 112oz can of chocolate pudding, who he had been eating out of with a big spoon. Cook was now covered in stray food, drink, and 112 ounces of pudding. As he was running to the bathroom crying, the principal whispered to him, "this isn't _really_ chocolate pudding," with a wink.

* * *

At last, Anakin Cook arrived in geometry class. In the corner of the room, a heavenly light shone upon Amy. Cook approached Amy and smooched her across her still chapped lips.

"Why are you wearing so much makeup? It makes you look beautiful."

"It makes you look beautiful too, Amy."

"Can I sit next to you?"

"Oh yes you can boo."

The seat next to Amy was polished and waxed, and was the finest seat Cooky-boy had ever sat in, except for his potty. Geometry class went by so much faster when he was sitting next to Amy, who let him cheat off of her notes. Although Amy's notes weren't any smarter than his, the handful of brain cells he had left didn't seem to notice. After class, Anakin and Amy skipped down the hall and to the buses. They decided not to get on the bus and walk home instead. They talked about their anime and the events of the previous night. Amy pulled Cook off the street and they walked into the woods, which were so dense and thicc you couldn't see the street after walking a few yards. Amy pulled a knife out of her backpack.

"Where'd you get that from?"

"I always bring a knife to school with me in case I drop a _HUUUGGEE_ deuce in the school's bathroom. In case it doesn't flush by the fifth time, I whip out my trusty knife to slice it up. It wouldn't really matter, though, because my rule of shitting is to drop the biggest deuces you can in a toilet that isn't yours. That way, you don't have to pay for the plumbing and can spend the extra money on laxatives instead."

Cook thought that was so hot, hotter than if his father ripped ass in the Sahara desert. Amy used the poop knife to carve their initials into a tree and surround them with a big heart. She leaned in close to Cook and whispered. "This is my poopoo tree. Whenever my throne gets backed up at home, I shit on this tree. Sometimes _not_ when my toilet's broken."

Cook was honored that Amy was sharing her poopoo tree with him.

"Now that we're in the woods.. alone.. _what're we gonna do? Wink wink?"_


	6. Into the Woods

The Cookman pondered the question for a while. All alone in the woods with Amy from Geometry Class. While leaning on the Poopoo Tree, an idea hit him in the head like a falling coconut. Cook would know, he's been hit in the head with many falling coconuts. This is because his mother tells Cook to stand under palm trees as often as possible so that she can violently shake the tree to make a coconut fall upon his skull. Cook's idea was grand.

"I can spancc you again!"

"Oh, I'd _love_ that!"

Amy pulled her Bluetooth speaker out of her backpack and played _Strip That Down_ again. She ripped off all her clothes and threw them upon the ground, revealing her cheeks to Cook. She put a stick in her mouth to muffle her screams of pain when the spanking began. Anakin Cook proceeded to spank Amy in the fashion of every percussion instrument. He started with the drums, beating down on Amy's tushy as if he was playing bass drums. After a while, he picked up a stick off the ground and hit her bottom as if he was playing a xylophone or marimba. This continued until he switched to another instrument, and he slapped her booty as if he was playing a tambourine. To finish the session off, he took the stick out of Amy's mouth and pictured her ass as a giant gong. Like a baseball player hitting a baseball, Anakin Cook swung the stick at 90mph and struck Amy's ass. Amy screamed so loudly all the birds fled from the nearby trees, one of them taking a shit in Amy's hair and another one shitting on Amy's backpack.

"My _Hello Kitty_ backpack!" Amy whined. She put her raggedy clothes back on and inspected her backpack. She opened it and took out her lunch satchel, setting it on the ground. She waited for Cooky-boy to sit down next to her before opening it, revealing that her lunch pail was filled to the brim with laxatives. "I always bring laxatives to school, in case my boo ever wanted it."

"We could use them now." Cook said, taking a handful of the orange pills and putting a herd on them. Amy followed in his footsteps and took two handfuls of pills and eating them. Cook barely had enough time to remove his pantaloons before the poopoo flowed from him like the Ganges River. The Poopoo Tree was soon covered with diarrhea from both Amy and Anakin. Amy was so happy to be doing her favorite activity with her favorite being on the planet. A stranger who happened to be taking a nature walk with his pet coyotes turned a corner, saw Cook and Amy graciously dumping feces onto a tree, and then walked backwards away from the scene hoping not to be spotted. Suddenly, his coyotes started fighting and the stranger had to pull them away from the area.

"That should be enough fertilizer for the Poopoo Tree!"

"I think so too." Cook and Amy put their clothes back on and packed up to leave. Another bird took a dump on Amy's noggin, which made Amy very happy. "It's good luck!"

* * *

Amy and AC sat down in a random field in the forest.

"I can't believe the world record book representative is giving me an award tonight! The certificate for causing a 7.6 magnitude earthquake with my farting will look great next to my secret personal toilet bowl." Cook loved the idea of having a secret toilet bowl, but the closest thing he gets is to poo down the drain his father installed in his room to filter his tears out.

"I'll ask Santa Claus for a secret toilet this year."

"Wouldn't you rather ask the Easter Bunny?"

"The Easter Bunny skips my house ever since my mom chased him with a gun eight years ago." After Cook had said that, the prison ankle bracelet he was required to wear started beeping, signaling he had to return to the family cavern. Cook and Amy shared a passionate smooch before parting.

"I'll send my messenger pigeon for you late tonight. Make sure your window is open!"

Ally walked back to her poopoo tree and Cook went back to the cavern. Cook's father dragged Cook back to the family dungeon for being 4 seconds late. Cook didn't know what to do, until an idea finally hit him like a falling coconut. This time, though, his mother actually did throw a coconut at him, as she was taking the dungeon keeper shift. After 10 minutes of giving Cooky-boy a wedgie, Cook's father called down the stairs.

"Wife #1, _Emmet Otter's Jug-band Christmas_ is on!" Cook's mom wasted no time flying up the stairs to watch her favorite film, even though it was March and nowhere near Christmas. Cook took this opportunity to pull a pocket sized Bible out of his cheeks. Cook read a random passage aloud, and soon the angel from yesterday night appeared.

"Eww!" The angel was repulsed to see AC's face.

"Hey, stop intruding on my praying!"

"I'm just enforcing the eleventh commandment." The angel smacked Cook upside the head and then left. Cook returned the Bible to its comfortable spot in his hind quarters. Cook sat in the family dungeon awaiting his mother's return, but she never did. Eventually, without receiving a letter, Cooky-boy was visited by Sir Cecil, the Sea Sleep King.

"Have some _magic dust!"_ Sir Cecil tossed a bunch of sawdust in Cook's face and left.


	7. Apprehension

In the morning, Cook awoke in the dungeon. Cook's wrists were small enough to slide out of the chains, which is something his parents were too mentally handicapped to realize and fix. Cook strolled to the dungeon entrance, to find it locked. Luckily, Cook knew how to escape this situation as its happened many times before. He flattened himself like Flat Stanley and slithered under the door. He sucked air in through his big nose to unflatten himself after he was safely on the other side. Cook traveled to his room to pick up his Witherena and left the house before his parents could issue him any spankings for escaping the dungeon. He waited on the front lawn for a few minutes watching anime before the Chow Truck pulled up, as it does every morning. The driver of the Chow Truck greeted Anakin Cook, who was a regular customer of his.

"Cookman! What'll ya have today?"

"A big can of beans!"

"Sure thing, on the house." The driver handed Cook a big ass bowl of beans, with a spoon. "Careful with that spoon, it was given to me by Oma! I can prove it with this tote bag full of painted rocks she gave me. She told me to 'put them on my driving route', but I don't want them!" The driver tossed that bag of painted rocks at Cook's face, which he accepted as a gift. The driver drove his windowless white van with the words _Chow Truck_ painted on the side down the road, blasting the song _Convoy_. Cook pulled a whistle out of his big nose and blew on it four times. Within seconds, a giant train came down the street and picked Cook up. Cook stood motionless in the middle of the train.

"I like trains." Cook cawed. "I like trains." Cook cawed again. He was causing a scene as he kept repeating, "I like trains." Everyone stopped what they were doing to look at Cook, who looked back at each and every one of them and told them that he liked trains. One of the train passengers thought that if he read from his book, Cook wouldn't notice him and wouldn't yell about his love for trains to him. However, the passenger was wrong, and Cook flew over to his seat, ripped the book out of his hand, announced "I LIKE TRAINS", took a dump on his face and wiped his ass with page 16. Frau Meyer stormed onto the train soon after and took page 16 from his hands, and began licking it.

_"Oktoberfest,"_ Frau Meyer sang and took a lick from the page. _"Oktoberfest.."_

Cook arrived at the front door of his first period class, because the train had plowed through the 100 building. Halfway through first period, his bladder nearly exploded and he had to urgently pee. When he raised his hand to ask the teacher, the teacher belched, "Boi you better get yo bitch ass hand down before I shoot it!"

"But Mr. Travtrav, I need to go to th R!" The teacher told him no, but Cook left the room to go to the bathroom anyway, and when he arrived in the bathroom, he found something on the ground. It looked like a bomb detonator, but it wasn't. It was a vape. _Amy's been looking for one of these! I'll surprise her with one as a present and then she'll love me even more!_ Cook put it in his backpack and continued his day until lunch. He sat behind the vending machine hoping to avoid another assault by the students. 15 minutes into lunch, the counselor entered the room with a speaker.

"Attention! Someone stole my vape! I left it in the 100 building girl's bathroom. I'm going to be searching students for it, starting with students whose last name begins with _Cook_. That makes the first student to be checked Anakin Cook." The counselor promptly walked over to AC's hiding spot and ordered him to open his backpack. His backpack flew into the air and began singing the Backpack Song from Dora. Similar to the Backpack on _Dora the Explorer_, the contents of the backpack were removed and floated in the air while the backpack announced what each item was. Cooky-boy tried to bite his fingernails, knowing that the vape would be called, but couldn't because he was wearing _FINGER__**POOP**__ETS_!

"A confession of love for Amy Baby!" The letter floated about in the air. "A poop knife!" The poop knife he stole from Amy floated in the air, and was suspiciously brown around the blade. "A vape!" The vape glowed and flew over to the counselor.

"Aha! My vape!" The counselor ran to the janitor's closet to vape, just as the police arrived to arrest Anakin Cook for possession of a vape during school hours. Cook was shuffled into the police car to be taken to the stony lonesome. "This police wagon is designed like the cars from _The Flintstones_, so we need to run ourselves." Cook was good at running, seeing as he practiced by running around his block. Cook liked to take random runs around the circle shaped street neighborhood he lived in. He would especially speed up when running past the house of the kid who took the LEGO from him in 4th grade that he was using to make a train (because he liked trains).

When they arrived at the police station, Cook was subjected to a lie detector test.

"Is it true that you rip ass over 15 times a day?"

"Yes." The lie detector confirmed that it was true.

"Is it true that you were in the girl's bathroom today?"

"Yes." The lie detector said that he was telling the truth.

"Is it true that you're the biggest loser in school?"

"No." The lie detector zapped Cook with 20 volts of electricity, certain that he was lying.

"That's enough detecting." The police officer led Cook away and to the cell he would be staying in for an unknown amount of time. When he entered, the door was locked behind him. "Just so you're aware, this is the cell for the biggest losers we arrest. Say hello to your cellmate."

In the cell with Anakin Cook was Michael Brown.


	8. Jailhouse Rock

"And that's the story of how I was stalking someone and taking pictures of them when my phone loudly rang." Brown concluded, finishing the story he had been telling Cooky-boy for the last 45 minutes.

"Wow, Mikey baby. I relate to you on a spiritual level. I feel like you're my spirit animal. I also know what it's like to try really hard to make good content for YouTube but never get more than 2 subscribers. I also know what it's like to have more dislikes on a video than likes (if any), and I know what it's like to have someone call me a noob in my comment section."

"Have you tried making a video called _please help _where you ask popular YouTubers to collaborate?"

"Yeah, and nothing happens!" Cook sighed. "Maybe people just aren't interested in analyzing _Doctor Who _and anime for 3 hours per episode.." Cook cried in the corner for 30 minutes about how nobody watches his YouTube channel. Michael used the time to read some _White Fang_, which he had been reading because of the new Netflix movie that looked like shit to anyone with a brain, but thankfully, Michael didn't have one. After Cook had finished crying, he realized he didn't ask Mikey why he was in jail.

"What're you in for?"

"I threatened to shoot up the school if the lunch lady didn't give me my bag of Pop Rocks."

* * *

Amy from Geometry Class had been wondering why Anakin Cook didn't respond to her messenger pigeon the previous night. She even loudly called out her window, "Cook-sepi, Cook-sepi, where art thou, Cook-sepi?" Alas, she received no response. She was walking through the hallway during Cook's lunch period, eavesdropping on the nearby thugs having a conversation. Not because she thought they knew about Cook, but because eavesdropping and stalking is one of her favorite hobbies.

"I loved seeing the police come in and drag that fat kid out by his head a few minutes ago."

"Yeah, the scrub we were pelting with food yesterday?"

"Yes, that one, his name is Anakin Cork or something."

Amy jumped out from around the corner to correct them. "Anakin Cook-sepi?" The group of kids pointed and laughed at the short girl calling Anakin Cook her sepi. Who could possibly love Anakin Cook, of all people?

"Anakin Cook got arrested for vaping or whatever." The group of kids, after passing the information onto Amy, no longer served a purpose in the story and were fried by Zeus in the hallway. Amy rushed home, not wanting to stay at a school that didn't contain a quantity of one Anakin Cook. She grabbed her piggy bank out of the box she kept all her Anakin Cook merchandise in. The box, labeled _Anakin Cook Emergency Fund_, was filled with money in case Cook ever got into an emergency. Amy wedged the piggy bank in between her ass cheeks before jumped out of her second story window, making sure to land on her booty on the concrete below. The piggy bank broke open, as(s) she intended, and Amy assembled the money to take to the courthouse. Not having a mode of transportation, she hopped on her Kalamazoo and pushed the handlebars until the human powered trolley sped down the rails to the local county jail.

* * *

"Anakin Cook, you're being sentenced to death by the electric chair unless someone bursts through the door with exactly enough bail money in the next 10 seconds." Cook started crying nonstop, until, on the 9th second, his savior Amy from Geometry Class burst through the jailhouse doors with the bail money.

"Here, take my money and let my boo live!" The guards unlocked the cell Anakin was being held in. After bidding goodbye to Michael Brown, he left the cell and smooched Amy's still chapped lips. They left the courthouse together and went to the Poopoo Tree, forgetting that they were still supposed to be in school. Amy dropped a steaming load on the roots of the tree. Amy then spun in a circle and shit flew in all directions.

"Wow! That move was so good you should become a dancer."

"I _am_ a dancer. My next public play is a performance of _Shit Happens: The Musical_."

"I'll be sitting front row center."

"I know you will, Anakin Cook-sepi."


	9. Two Cook Angels

To avoid the children and the vaping counselor, Cook dragged hit sorry fat ass to the Media Room during lunch to hide. Cook strolled into the D Wing and into the Media Room. Upon swinging open the door, Cook thought he saw the love of his life, Amy from Geometry Class. The door he swung open hit him in the face after bouncing off the wall, smacking him in his fat nose, causing his diary key to fall on the floor. He shoved it back into his nose and opened the door once again, and discovered that his eyes had not deceived him; Amy was sitting in the corner of the room hunched over a desk like a nerd. An angelic glow was over her. In actuality, Amy just happened to be sitting under the only working light in the room. Cook floated over to Amy and sat down next to her.

"The light of my life, what are you doing here?"

"COOK-SEPI!" Amy pulled Cooky-boy into a wet kiss. "I didn't know you had lunch this period!"

"I technically don't, I just cut math class every day and nobody notices."

"Seriously? Me too! I've been cutting Tech Ed every day to avoid seeing Mr. Marriage."

"Mr. Marriage was my first kiss." Amy looked shocked for a good few minutes, before leaning in close to Cook.

"Mine too!" Amy pulled out a big brown bag of Baby Belt™ cheese. Cook looked down and noticed hundreds of Baby Belt cheese wrappers, leaving him to assume she eats hundreds every day during lunch. Which would be a correct assumption. Amy pulled a McDonald's chocolate milk container out of her rat's nest hair, and put one of those thicc straws in it. Cook hadn't seen something that thicc since his mother that morn. Without asking, Cook leaned over and wrapped his dry lips around the straw and sipped her chocolate milk. Amy was surprised to see him liking it so much.

"This isn't _really_ chocolate milk." Cook should have been appalled, but he inside took big gulps of the substance. He sang the McDonald's jingle of "I'm lovin' it" aloud. Amy was so happy. Cook's ass suddenly vibrated. "Did you just rip ass, my senpai?"

"No, I think I just got a text." Cook's phone rang in his back ass pocket with his custom ringtone. _Here we sit like birds in the wilderness, birds in the wilderness, birds in the wilderness. Here we sit like birds in the wilderness, waiting for our food._

"I'm in love with your ringtone! Can I use it for you?"

"Of course!"

"I'll have to change it from the audio I took of you sleeping last night."

"You took that audio just last night?"

"Obviously," Amy announced proudly. "Gotta stay up to date on these things. Hey, what's the you have as your lock screen wallpaper?"

"It's a drawing by my favorite author and illustrator, Arvin Sharifzadeh."

"Maybe I can send you giant prints of his art for your birthday!"

"I already have his entire catalog, though. I ordered them all wholesale. They take up my entire wall."

"I can make you some more in Tux Paint."

"Sounds like a plan!"

"That reminds me of the story about how I was dropped on my head as a baby." Just then, the bell rang and everyone had to go to class. Amy smooched Cook, they both promised each other to never even _look_ at Chapstick again, and went to class. While Cook was trekking across campus to the 800 building where he had his next class, he encountered an old friend. This "old friend" immediately smacked him upside the head.

"Hey, what gives?" Cook turns around to face none other than the Angel. Just as Cook uttered those words, the Angel slapped Cook across the face. "You're so mean to me!"

"It's the 11th commandment! Anyways, I come with an important message from the Holy Nuns of the Catholic Church. They wanted it delivered as soon as they saw your face plastered on the Bible forum "wanted" section. I attached your selfie, and they wanted this message delivered: _'Thy face is scornful! One of the Sisters collapses and begged for God's grace after looking for just a half a second. How did His Holiness allow such a mistake to persist for so long, unnoticed? I would crucify you in an instant!'"_

"What have I done wrong?"

"Plague the Earth with thyself!" Cook started crying in the hallway in front of the passing children before the Angel continued. "I also carry a message from Pope Francis himself. His statements on thee are as follows: _'My white robe has been drenched with mine salty tears that flowed like a faucet out of my eyes upon seeing thy hideous features. You are not welcome in the Vatican City.'"_

"But I've always wanted to vacation there!"

"Well you aren't welcome anymore! Popey-boy says so!" Cook collapsed to the ground crying. The Angel laughed at Cook, and upon seeing the scene unfold, the children in the hallway also stopped to laugh at Cook. Everyone was eager to take any chance they got to laugh at Cook. Cook promptly stole some kid's notebook and used it to write a note for Amy, while still crying, and he left it in his locker while he ran home to weep like a weeping willow tree. The Angel took his chance to fly over to the principal's office. He happened to be with the counselor watching their favorite reality show, _Big A$$ Dumparoo_. There was a table next to them with money on it, and the pair had presumably been placing bets on which contestant they thought would produce the biggest back-end blowout.

"Hey, fellas! Wanna hear something? Straight from God!"

"We're listening.."

"It's called the 11th commandment."


	10. The Finale

Cook arrived back at his cavern after running, which is the same speed as walking to the average human. He ascended into his room and sobbed dramatically into his room drain. His anime body pillow got all soaked with his tears, and Cook had to wrap it in plastic wrap. _How could the angel say such rancid things about me! I'm the loveliest person I know, next to Amy._ Cook watched as his tears left his room through the drain. He sat alone for a while before he heard someone barge into the house. It sounded like his hideous father, and it sounded like people were _with_ his hideous father. He closed his door quietly and pressed against the wall to hear what he could.

_"And do you think you're going to hold your 1st place position?"_

_"Oh, I'm gonna hold it!"_

_"How confident are you that your shit is going to exceed the 6 kilograms needed?"_

_"I'm _extremely _confident."_

The voices grew closer until they passed right by Cook's door and into the bathroom. He peeked through the peephole he installed on his door and there appeared to be a full camera crew outside. He read the logo _Big A$$ Dumparoo_ off the cameraman, who had it tattooed on his neck. A play-by-play narrator could be heard excitedly narrating the big ass dumparoo his father was taking in the Big Bowl™. The entire crew sounded amazed. Anakin Cook quietly slithered across his room to equip his gas mask, to filter out the stench that was almost as horrid as Horrid Henry™.

_"Would you like to call your Bowl Filling Friend (BFF) for help?"_

"No! I can fill this bowl all by myself."

The house shook as the Big Bowl was filled with fecal matter. Afterwards, the live audience started clapping and cheering.

_"Can you say 'unbelievable'? A new world record!"_ Cook glanced towards his _Doctor Who_ clock, revealing that school would normally end at this time. His father would expect him to enter through the front door, so Cooky-boy had to climb out the window and enter through the front door, without his gas mask. He nearly suffocated as he entered through the cavern door. An usher offered him a cookie shaped like a gas cloud, but he denied, not wanting to take the chance on whether or not the brown icing was chocolate or poopoo. He trekked through the house and hid in the corner. After a while, the mailman visited the cavern again. He knocked on the door, dropped the note, and ran away.

"Cooky-boy, get the mail."

"Don't mind if I do!" Cook slithered over to the door and picked up the letter. The letter was from his school, and he took his mother's tooth out of the glass case on the wall to open it. It was a hand written letter on loose-leaf paper, signed by the principal and the counselor.

_To the Parents/Guardians of Anakin Elizabeth Cook ~_

_After thorough thought and consideration (but not too much because no staff in this district uses thought or consideration when making decisions about Anakin Cook) we have decided to expel Anakin Cook from the school district. The eleventh commandment bans Anakin Cook from existing, and we will not tolerate filthy sinners in our school district. As such, we've also been forced to remove our Italian teacher from the school district for being a filthy sinner._

_Worst wishes,_

_Principal Franklin._

Cook was so upset. Expelled from his very own school district. How could Principal Franklin betray him like that? He ran inside and cried. The camera crew pointed and laughed at Cook, taking joy in his misfortune. Cook's father arrived in front of Cook, sitting on a throne lifted above the ground by _Big A$$ Dumparoo_ people, who were still celebrating his victory.

"What is the purpose of thy tears, son I never wanted?"

"I was expelled from school for being me!" Everybody in the room quieted immediately. Everyone thought the verdict was reasonable. "They said I was 'the one who did the deed, and the whole wide jury agreed!'"

"Out of my presence! Anakin Elizabeth Cook, you're no son of mine! Get out of my house! You're _disowned!"_

"But father-"

"LEAVE!" Cook ran out of his cavern, crying that he'll never see his anime body pillow again.

* * *

Cook made his way to the Poopoo Tree. It had become the spot for Amy and him to hang out, or hang other people from. Amy was already there. He noticed she was crying. Her tears flowed down her face like the Nile River, and saturated the garbage bags she was wearing on her hooves.

"Cook-sepi, it's horrible!"

"What's the matter, my beautiful serpent?"

"I've been expelled and disowned by my parents!"

"What could you have possibly done wrong?"

"They said I clogged the plumbing too often, and can't afford the water bills no more!" Cook smooched Amy and they hugged under the Poopoo Tree. "We can live here, forever and ever. We can set up a tent and be happy together! And our bathroom is right here!"

"I'd love that." Cook chimed.

* * *

That night, Cook and Amy sat in their tent made from Baby Belt cheese wrappers. Cook smooched Amy and left the tent to start a fire. He blasted out a few steaming hot farts onto logs until a fire started. Amy came out to warm herself by the fire.

"Amy, my love?"

"Yes, Anakin Cook-sepi?"

"I've known you for two entire weeks now, and I can say with upmost confidence that I'm making the right decision." Cook pulled a diamond ring out of his bippy cheeks. "Amy, will you marry me?"

"YES! YES I WILL!" She sprung over and kissed Cook-sepi. She slid the ring onto her bony finger where her finger**poop**ets usually sit.

And at that moment, Cooky-boy became Cooky-_man_.

**THE END.**


	11. Epilogue

Years had passed.

The Angel had been praised in Heaven for confronting Cook. The counselor and principal went on to win thousands while betting on _Big A$$ Dumparoo_ matches and sports betting. The chow truck driver removed Cook's home from the list of places to travel to, and quickly forgot all about him. Michael Brown never made it out of prison. Cook's thicc mother turned Cook's room into her own personal withering cave, and Cook's father would, with much practice, break all the records he set out to break, including Amy from Geometry Class's. Nobody ever thought about Anakin Cook-sepi much anymore, which is reasonable considering how forgettable he is.

Neither Cook nor Amy had finished high school, as they had been expelled. They now live in a cardboard box in the drug alleyway they had first met in. Everyday, trash would rain upon their box and they would run out to eat it. Cook had still spanked Amy at least 3 times a day, and Amy still farted down Cook's throat at least twice an hour. They had a framed leaf from the Poopoo Tree that was tinted brown, that they kept as a reminder of their adventures during the first few weeks they'd known each other.

"Cook-sepi?"

"Yes, Amy-pai?"

"Remember when Donald Trump withdrew all the troops in the Middle East and sent the entire United States Armed Forces troop and every SWAT team member to track us down and kill us in the Banish Cook From Recorded History Act?"

"Yes, I remember."

"And do you remember how we escaped?"

"Oh yes, I remember. I used my booty as a jetpack away from the Poopoo Tree. It's how I lost my diary."

"Oh, you saucy boy." Both of them then looked over at the framed leaf from the Poopoo Tree. They never saw the Poopoo Tree again after that day. It was a big argument between the married subhumans over which one of them was the one to tint the leaf brown with their fecal matter. There were many rumors surrounding it. Some say that Amy had secretly shat on it herself after they had already framed it. Others say that Cook took a dump so putrid and explosive that it changed the genetics of the leaf enough to permanently turn brown. Nobody would know for sure. A train drove by at that moment, which Cook could sense with his fine-tuned abilities to sense any train within a 10 mile radius.

"I like trains." He belched loudly and randomly. Amy, without warning, produced a giant back-end blowout that shook the cardboard box. "That one was a real doozy, Amy!" Anakin Cook then repeated Amy's action and shook the entire street, so much so that shrieks of terror could be heard all throughout the alleyway.

"Would you like some quality Crunchyroll, my darling?"

"More than anything ever, Anakin Cook-sepi!"

A Bluetooth speaker was shook out of a window by Cook's butt bomb, which landed right outside the cardboard box. It was Cook's favorite genre: reggae. For the first time ever, Cook had a real, distinct though in his head.

_World peace, man._


End file.
